Let the Show Begindia

In 2 weeks I will be voyaging back to America for a 3 month stay over the months of November, December and January. This has got me winter wondering how my new habits developed here in India over the past year and a half will affect my ability to find acceptance socially from my fellow Americans. Basically, my question is...will I be the weirdo??

Answer: YES

This is almost certain for me unless I am able to shake a number of Indian-specific behaviors and phrases that have little to no place in American culture. I have compiled a short and simple list of things that I need to temporarily withdraw from in order to avoid being the weird guy. I'll give you the habit and it's meaning and let you imagine what the response would be.

(1) Biting my toenails. I do this every morning right after I wash my feet. Just a little trim up before I start my day. Sooo needed. This is common amongst Indian men and nah I'm just kidding..I've never done that before, I promise, that would be really weird. I bet that freaked you out. Shamefully tho, I will admit that I'm a committed fingernail biter and maybe only 3 or 4 times in my entire life maybe (conservative number) have I seriously considered biting my toenails maybe. If this toenail biting concept intrigues you, please check out this video my good friend Jonathan posted about proper toenail biting. Moving on.

Ok this is for real. And remember, these are all things that I do daily without even thinking:

-The head-bob. It has been ingrained into my being. Side to side movement, so smooth so delicate so powerful all at once. Anytime I want to say "yes", "maybe", "ok", "good", "hello", "goodbye" or "sorry bro, are we still cool?" I immediately resort to the head-bob. It'll be entertaining to see the response to this gesture. People might think I'm a crazy tho...like those crazies who enjoy booger flavored jelly-belly's. Which by the way, how do they get an accurate flavor for booger? I guess they get booger taste testers like NightWolf.

-The traditional honorific foot touch. There are times when you must touch the feet of someone elder to you out of respect, usually an older relative or spiritual figure. This could be rough with my fam because of a little thing I like to call crocodile feet which has plagued a select few for generations.

-The lingering stare. Indian men here stare at me all the time. I stare at them back. Most of the time I even initiate the stare, hold it until they stare back, give them a penetrating and undeniable head-bob and then watch as they immediately head-bob right back. No words. And no explanation to what actually just occurred and what was communicated. All I know is that it was good and it felt right. Now just imagine in the states that I stare at all the men and then bobble my head at them...

-The car light flash. Flashing your car lights at an intersection here means, "I want to let you know that I am the one going first, so do not drive in front of me."

-The car honk. I honk my horn while driving at least once every 30 seconds. It functions as the car light flash during the daytime. It also communicates that I would like you to move over so I can pass you on the right. And it might just simply mean, "Hey, if you didn't know, I am driving right next to you so don't swerve into me.

-Affirmative answering. To say yes in Hindi is "ha". "Kevin! Your grandmother and I have missed you dearly, have you missed us?"..."Ha ha".

-The both hand finger point raise the roof combo dance move..not even acceptable at 6th grade cotillion dance.

-The biweekly pedicure with the roommates. So cheap and so necessary here. Remember people..crocodile feet could be right around the corner for me. "Bros, I'm pumped to be back in the states, let's go get a pedi this weekend."

-The Backstreet Boys/Enrique Iglesias/Pitbull playlist. It strikes gold here and here only.

-"Do you fag?" Here, asking do you smoke. In the states, not asking do you smoke.

-"I will be there in sometime." and "I will be there in 30 minutes." Both mean I will not be coming.

I'm sure there are plenty more things. And I'm sure that while in the states I will unnoticeably do or say most of the mentioned above. Oh well, let the show begindia.

Kev

Bah, humblog!

Merry Christmas blog enthusiasts! It’s a beautiful, warm Christmas day in India and everything is bright and sunny around here, literally. Well actually not everything is sunny and warm..my blogging production lately has been ice cold. Colder than an Indian riding his scooty thru the 70 degree Pune winter night who forgot to wear a scarf with his short sleeve Being Human tee. When it comes to my blog this semester, I Scrooged up. I haven’t posted in over 2 months. I’ve abandoned my blog because of laziness and lack of appreciation for the joys blogging brings not only myself but the thousands around the globe I write for. I became a blog Scrooge, and looking back it’s easy to say I’ve been bah, humbled in the blogging game that I thought I had under control before I got here. But it’s Christmas, my fav holiday, and nothing can kill my jolliness right now as I blast my treasured NSYNC Christmas cd and anticipate a dominating Thunder wictory. So I’ll continue onwards in my blog with a Christmas gift for you guys as an extension of my renewed blogging spirit. I wanted to give a quick picture recap of my life lately here in India to hopefully catch you up on where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing:

Here is our living room. Our apartment is all set up and looking festive. However, 4 months in and we are still waiting on our water filter to be fixed. I've called my flat owner like 10 times to no avail, now things are just getting aqua-rd for us all.   

With our apartment finished, I've been able to get out into the city and make some new friends. 

Our team had a great Thanksgiving day meal. Power goes out randomly every week on Thursdays, so it made for an interesting and decently stressful morning of food preparation. Everyone cooking pulled thru tho with their dishes and I ham so glad they were able to.

We took a trip to Varanasi, the oldest city in India, for a week of new staff training. The city is located off the Ganges River, which is considered holy to Hindus. Notice how uncharacteristically high my pants are rolled up, we all make mistakes.

Celebrated Halloween with a little costume party. Best way to explain my costume is that there are a lot of foreigners who come to Pune to partake in this weird meditation program and they all walk around in get-ups similar to the one I'm rocking. 

I bought a car in November, the Chevy Spark. My own miniature minivan that I've always wanted. It might be a small little hatchback car with a big blow to my ego but it's perfect for squeezing thru congested traffic and I've grown to love it.

And here are some random pics you might enjoy:

I've done a lot of traveling lately and it can get exhausting. A little relaxing bro time is much needed.

Playing cricket under the lights with my boys.

I try to play golf once a month here in Pune. This is me just warming up at the driving range...aka the hole infested green tarp. Not picture to the left is my Indian caddy who places the ball down for me and picks up all my range balls 10 feet away.

Some of us took a couple vacation days this last week to visit Goa, where you can find the nicest Indian beaches. The trip was awesome and the beaches were beautiful. I plan to put some pics up from Goa and also from our Christmas day later this week. Hope you enjoyed the pics and have a great Christmas! 

Kev 

What the Frickshaw: Meter Only!

My whereabouts are extensive on a daily basis in Pune, meaning I frequently find myself dependent on the local transportation system due to the fact that I have yet to obtain the proper paperwork to buy a car. This dependency has produced an array of emotions in me along with providing memorable experiences, most of which leave a sour taste in my mouth. The transportation I speak of is the auto rickshaw, the 3-wheeler “taxi” of India. You can see them all over the background of this blog. They are enjoyable to ride in…for a week, then this short-lived honeymoon period vanishes and you start viewing the auto drivers as the enemy. They’re the enemy because they cheat you out of your precious rupees. When these guys see your white skin approaching, their hearts rejoice and their minds race with schemes to milk your assumed naïve foreigner nature combined with your fat American wallet. I’ll explain. Now standard procedure in the city is that they charge you “meter”. You get in, they start the meter, and when you arrive at requested destination, you pay the amount on the meter. Very simple. A ride across the whole city will cost you around 150 rupees and take 40 minutes. So when I come before an auto driver and ask him to take me to a place 10 minutes away, you can imagine the annoyance generated when they announce a charge of 120 rupees. Absurd, only a tourist would pay this amount. Do I look like a tourist to you?!? Rocking my Polo Outlet collared shirt and above-the-knees Champs khaki shorts from Stein Mart amidst a pants wearing culture?? I just don’t see what they see.…no I’m kidding, the deck is stacked against me and I’m well aware of it. It’s the price you pay when you have nice calves and are therefore obligated to put a lamp on it’s stand.

Now don’t get me wrong, not every auto driver is like this. There are handfuls of honest “meter” auto drivers and these guys are super refreshing. However, with the kind of city traveling I do, there’s just no way to avoid all the schemers out there. My only hope is to minimize the tourist factor and persuade him to give me the “proper localite price.” I will share with you what I have found to be the most effective ways to achieve localization of rickshaw pricing. (1) Speak as much of the local language as you possibly can on the front end. And if you have to use English, smother it with your best Indian accent. Everything should be complimented with an animated yet controlled head bob, which takes time to develop, it's an art and requires skill.  Words I know and therefore try to throw in always: (spelling will be wrong b/c I don’t feel like googling right now as is customary when I have spelling inquiries) accha (good) bhaya (brother) nahi (no) ap kha naam ke ha hey (what is your name?) mera naam (my name is) pani (water). Even if it makes no sense I am making sure to say most of these words so that they understand that I am serious and have been here for a while. Usually when I take this approach the majority of auto drivers pick up real quick what I’m putting down. (2) Secondly, the walk away strategy, a highly effective bargaining weapon useful in all facets of life here in India. When he gives me the bogus price, I stare him down for a couple seconds, angrily shout “nahi” and walk away. I try to make this reaction a very fast one in order to startle him and put him into a corner. If he wants any rupees at all, which he does, he will yell after me and declare his acceptance of my meter appeal. Ahh the sweet smell of victory. Using these two tactics, I have been able to hit homer after homer when I step up to the plate each day. Call me Derek Meter. But there are those times when I find myself stuck in a rando place with literally no rickshaws anywhere to be found. In this case if a rickshaw miraculously drives by, I have to accept his price if I want to find my way home. It’s simple economics, demand is high and supply is low..causing the price to skyrocket. And he knows this. Even with the sexiest head bob India has seen in a quick minute, I ain’t winning this battle.

The funny thing about all of this too is that I’m usually arguing for a driver to lower his price like 20 or 30 rupees, which is no more than a $0.50 difference. So money isn’t really the issue, it's just the principal of getting ripped off. I’m being pretty ridiculous huh? Oh well, it makes it more enjoyable to interact with these auto drivers. I’ll finish with saying that rickshaws aren’t all bad news, there are some positives from using them as your means of transportation. They are smaller vehicles that are able to squeeze through tight places during a traffic jam which gets you to your destination quicker. And they are also a breeding ground for real talk…spend a 30 minute rickshaw ride with someone and you’ll walk away with some great convo, guaranteed.

Auto rickshaw drivers..can’t live with em, can’t live without em..and speaking of women, I have yet to run into a woman auto driver. I don’t think it exists, but if she’s out there, I would like to meter..

27 Hours

Traveling to India was exhausting. 2 hour flight to Houston. 1 hour layover. 8 hour flight to Germany. 7 hour layover. 9 hour flight to India. Luckily I had a travel partner, my teammate Anna, to make the beast of a trip with me. I arrived at the OKC airport that afternoon excited for the trip and prepared for the water works that were soon to ensue as I left my family to fly across the world. My first order of business was to check my bags, which included 2 suitcases along with a carrying-case for my golf clubs. Little did I know that I was in for a handful. I won’t mention the airline but the dude working the counter for Continental was almost as annoying as all those times my sis would blare that Jonas Brothers’ song “Hold On” unconsciously loud on repeat in the living room while I would be trying to watch One Tree Hill in my room. The clubs cost $200 bucks to check, which I knew ahead of time, but I was just a tad frustrated that they wouldn’t give me some kind of sports equipment exception/discount. So to add to my frustration while I was checking them, this guy began to question me continually whether I wanted to take the clubs anymore, telling me it’s definitely not worth it and that I wasn’t moving to India to play golf for a living; that I should sell them and use the money for a ring to marry my “girlfriend” traveling with me. This didn’t happen just a couple times like one would assume a normal person would do while engaging in playful banter, I’m talking almost 15 minutes straight to the point where it started to become awkward for all parties in the general vicinity except him. He was like 40 plus and kept pounding it home. I understand...but please stop sir. You are really working hard to make my trip, which already has me a tiny bit stressed considering I’m parting ways with my family and friends for 3 years, as smooth and care-free as possible. First option, I could end this with a swift and powerful Jackie Chan slash Happy Gilmore combo move over the counter with my driver. Potentially effective and gratifying but not practical and definitely anti-characterical to my normalistic behavior…The second option, which I took, was to just laugh it off and get on with life. There were mildly more important things to worry about at the time, like uprooting from 23 years of life in the states to begin afresh in a third world country being one of them. Whew, sorry bout that rant; but transparency crispier than a fresh piece of naan made by a street vendor outside the Taj Mahal is what you can expect on this blog along with some made up words sprinkled throughout.

The time had come for us to say our last good-byes to our families and make our way thru security. We boarded the plane and made a quick trip to Houston and then a long flight to Germany. We were hoping to spend our 7 hour layover in the Frankfurt airport enjoying a nice morning of people watching. We were not disappointed, our time being highlighted by a woman passed out on a bench at the bar in a nowhere close to sleeping position (that German beer will get you, even at 11 AM) and the non-stop flow of the Euro-Capri look on everyone we saw…which eerily gave me flashbacks to a time when my older bro wore JNCO shorts.

The food served on the flight to Germany was fantastic and there was nothing better than hearing the sound of the food cart approaching my aisle. However, on the way to India, as the flight attendant advanced closer with dinner, I experienced a conflict of interests. My heart was telling me to try the Indian food in celebration to the nearness of the arrival to the motherland…but my mind was screaming to pass, to consider the 5 more hours left on this plane and the fact that I’m currently occupying a middle seat. I followed my heart of course (I mean that’s why I’m in India in the first place) and on behalf of my heart I would like to extend an apology to Anna and the entirety of her immediate and extended family for the life-threatening fumes she was exposed to. That Indian food had me passing more gas than the chemical laboratory at Harvard U. (Most were the silent but deadly type so I'm not sure she knew the extent of the situation by sheer noise level.) On top of that, I was sincerely worried about the health of the baby sleeping directly behind me. And to make it worse, I was feeling such an intense bubbling in my stomach that each time I sensed major gas coming forth, for the sake of all the passengers and my new white linen pants, I had to play it safe by excusing myself to the airplane bathroom. The count on these excusements reached double digits and I think I wiped out Anna’s travel-sized pack of Tums. Rough stretch for me. After we arrived at the airport I thought I would surprise Anna with a thunderous fart to cap off the festivities that had occurred on the plane, maybe lighten the mood, however all that came was a pathetic squeak. She definitely wasn't impressed, who would be, meaning I took that risk in vain. I ended up being the one surprised because I usually preform in those types of situations…But life goes on. Overall, we had a lot of fun making the trip despite how exhausting it was...and we were real excited because we had finally completed the journey and arrived safely in the land of butter naan, hungry for the adventures to follow.

Kev

Caution: Intro ahead, wittiness temporarily withheld.

Hello,

First off, I want to extend a culturally relevant head-bob greeting to all of you. I've been in India for 16 days now. I must say my daily whereabouts over these last few weeks have produced a very encouraging amount of potential blog material. None of this I have blogged since I have been here. So I would like to take this time to say I'm deeply sorry for refraining to bring any of this material to the table yet...however I feel that I owe no such apologies for wanting this blog to be special, to be a blog that becomes a part of your life and one that inspires you to be a better overall citizen locally and internationally. For these reasons I have waited to post anything, as life has sent me running around since I've been here, hindering my ability to publish quality posts. But now that I am relatively settled in, I am lifting the veil and ordering the troops to march forward. The stories and such will begin very soon.

Enjoy

Kev

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